Socially Unacceptable Post 42: Schizophrenia Is

I became insane, with long intervals of horrible sanity.

–Edgar Allan Poe

I wrote this on September 23, 2019. As you can see, I was doing well.

Schizophrenia is listening to a soundtrack of my own faults all day.

Schizophrenia is wanting desperately to fall asleep because my dreams are more structured than reality.

Schizophrenia is forgetting where my classes are for three weeks when my peers figure it out after three days.

Schizophrenia is adapting to not pay attention to what is around me unless I can be sure it’s real.

Schizophrenia is being afraid of walking after dark.

Schizophrenia is panicking and getting lost after stepping foot off campus.

Schizophrenia is the cold-tight feeling of knowing no one understands.

Schizophrenia is thinking there is a shooter in the room at a concert who is going to kill everyone but not caring enough about living to leave.

Schizophrenia is praying that everyone else survives the shooting you know is going to happen, until it doesn’t.

Schizophrenia is seeing someone’s guitar switch into a gun and back and not knowing whether to call the police or ignore it.

Schizophrenia is learning how to smile so everyone thinks you are okay.

Schizophrenia is forgetting what your best friend says right after she says it.

Schizophrenia is not paying attention in class and getting A’s anyway.

Schizophrenia is the terrible fear of being with my friends, randomly, and for no reason.

Schizophrenia is seeing myself get attacked or run over by a car every time I cross a street.

Schizophrenia is the sneaking suspicion that everyone will turn against me given enough time.

Post 42 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022)

This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.

For the whole series, follow this link.

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