I could be a better boyfriend than him
I could do the shit that he never did
Up all night, I won’t quit
Thinking I’m gonna steal you from him
I could be such a gentleman
Plus all my clothes would fit
–Boyfriend by Dove Cameron
When Marie and I were getting to know each other, a couple of weeks after we first met, we sent each other applications for dating. You know, like normal potential partners. My father supplied an application back when I was dating Rudolph, the only person I had dated before Marie. Rudolph had read it, laughed nervously, and proceeded to be terrified of my father.
Marie enjoyed the process of answering my application thoroughly. My dad found it somewhere on the internet and it announced itself as an application for permission to date his daughter. The entire application assumed the person wanting to date me would be a guy, but I chose to send it to Marie anyway.
Below I have included Marie’s answers to the application.
NAME: The Silver Vixen
DATE OF BIRTH: Older than her
HEIGHT: Tall
WEIGHT: Wraith
IQ: Excellent
GPA: 4.0
SOCIAL SECURITY NUMBER: Nice try
DRIVER’S LICENSE: N/A
HOME ADDRESS: Marsh
Do you have parents? No
Is one male and the other female? Yes
In 50 words or less, what does ‘LATE’ mean to you?
late | leɪt | adjective • 1 denoting or belonging to the advanced stage of a historical period or cultural movement • 2 (of a specified person) no longer alive: the late Francis Bacon
In 50 words or less, what does ‘DON’T TOUCH MY DAUGHTER’ mean to you?
Her body, her choice. Anyone who disrespects that deserves death by hellfire.
In 50 words or less, what does ‘ABSTINENCE’ mean to you?
That thing allos say is sooo haaaarrdddd, but is really just being normal.
Church you attend: The holy temple of nature
If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:
The Fields of Athenry
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
Funny bone
A woman’s place is in the:
Elite Militia to Destroy the Patriarchy
What do you want to do IF you grow up?
Murder people for fun and money
When I meet a girl, the thing I always notice about her first is:
Her heavy gothic jewelry
What followed was the application ranting about how any boyfriend’s interest in me must be non-sexual, to which she laughed because, um, we are both asexual. The form permitted watching horror movies but not romantic movies, to which Marie answered: “I refuse to traumatize my Angel.”
My father said she scored 16.5%. He said if she agreed to get a chip implanted in her brain she would score 56.5%. And if a cyanide capsule were included in that implant for extra insurance, she would score 76.5%. A solid C.
Which in dad-speak means he is impressed. Since he didn’t give her a 0.
Click on this link for the full form.
Post 47 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022)
This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.
For the whole series, follow this link.
The Queer Schizophrenic 