Socially Unacceptable Post 49: Christian College

“We hold fast to the belief that all Truth and knowledge begin with Christ, allowing you to rigorously pursue the highest academic excellence.”

– Grove City College website

Grove City College has a reputation for rigorous academics, which means there will not be time for sleep in your schedule, nor will there be time for more than one or two meals a day. But what most people don’t know is that Grove City College is basically like a Christian Mingle dating convention on steroids. I am not kidding.

You can hardly make your way through an archway without witnessing horrific pda to the point where you wonder if they are actually trying to devour the other person. And if you want to go to the laundry room, you will have to make it past that one couple that rolls around on the ground on top of each other making animal noises, and try not to make eye contact with them.

My dorm room was in the prime location to witness couples making out in the middle of the night or morning or just whenever they thought no one could see them. They were wrong. The one thing you should know about Christian colleges is that there are eyes everywhere.

There is also gossip everywhere. Like if you are in the bathroom trying to not let your roommate realize you are crying, and overhear a conversation about how this one guy cheated on his girlfriend but they are back together because of the power of God. Or that someone does *gasp* drugs, or that someone is *gasp* gay, or that someone *gasp*…SINNED.

Prayer was the best time to gossip discreetly. Whatever scandal you want to say you can say, in the interest of encouraging prayers for whoever was involved.

When I first got on campus, in one of the introductory speeches, the speaker said, “look to your left, look to your right, your future spouse may be in sight.” And I was like…um…why am I here?

There was a saying that you had to get your ring by spring. If you did not get your ring by spring, you had failed at love and would be alone for the rest of your life. I thought this was stupid. Because it is. Extremely stupid.

But, as I look back at the sheer number of poorly matched Christian couples that met at Grove City College and got married, I realize that the primary purpose of GCC was not rigorous academics. It was sex. After marriage of course. Just don’t look in the unisex bathrooms. Ever. Because when my trans brother used them, he learned the sickening truth. They are for the fallen Christians who engage in *gasp* premarital sex.

GCC may try to fool you with its policies on open hours. You must keep a shoe in the door if you are meeting with a person of the opposite sex in their room. And you can only meet during open hours.

Little did GCC know that by creating these strong policies, they were encouraging both the use of unisex bathrooms and queer relationships. Because not only could a queer couple meet outside open hours, did not need to put a shoe in the door, and would not be questioned, they also could be roommates.

Many Grovers decided to get married in the chapel on campus. Since I tended to use it for naptime, I cannot say I recommend it. My fiancée and I will not be getting married in Harbison Chapel, because it is hallowed ground and we would be smited. And considering they refused to ever allow Catholics to hold Mass on campus, I believe it is unlikely they will permit a marriage involving a queer couple to taint their beloved campus.

Remember, it doesn’t count if it happens in the unisex restroom. Also, remember what Jesus said. Let the person who has sinned cast all the stones at the queers, because theirs is not the kingdom of heaven, theirs is the queendom of Hell.

Post 49 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022)

This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.

For the whole series, follow this link.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s