“A sad Christian is a phony Christian, and a guilty Christian is no Christian at all.”
During my Grove City College years, I remember when my suitemates and I were together talking about college girl stuff, they decided we should all describe our types. The others described physical features they liked as well as the general consensus that he must be kind and godly. When it got to me, I struggled to find words. My crush, the girl I was madly in love with, was in the room.
Since I have face blindness, I decided my ideal boy would need to have red or dyed hair to be distinguishable from the rest of the boys. I had at least a slim hope of distinguishing girls from each other because of the variety of ways they styled their hair and makeup, but since all of the boys had short hair that was kind of messy…they were basically clones to me.
Also, he would need to be a good Catholic man who could accept me despite my diagnosis of schizophrenia.
My dream came true, in the form of Rudolph. He was a redhead and a good Catholic man. When he opened up to me about his social anxiety and autism, I felt empowered to open up about my schizophrenia.
A few months after I met him, he invited me to his dorm room and we did homework and chatted. Then he got really serious and said he had something to tell me. He struggled to speak for about five minutes, and then admitted he had feelings for me.
I was so shocked that I only managed to blurt out, “That’s good I guess.” I tried to fix it by saying he had been in my thoughts as well. A vague, masky response, but it worked.
He was thrilled. He asked if I wanted to be his girlfriend and I said ok.
I went back to my dorm, spirits lifted. So there was a good Catholic guy who would be willing to date a schizophrenic. Afina, my roommate, noticed the smile and I told her what happened. She was excited for me. And seeing that genuinely happy, brilliant smile made my heart pound in a way that it hadn’t when Rudolph had confessed his feelings. I forced my smile to stay frozen on my face, but all I could think was oh, shit.
Post 50 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022)
This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.
For the whole series, follow this link.