Socially Unacceptable Post 63: Figurative

Did you mean “literally” literally? Or, like most people, do you mean “literally” figuratively?

Someone asked Marie recently if her fiancé was literally schizophrenic or just figuratively schizophrenic. It reminded me of when my father’s foot got run over by a vehicle, and Hawk was little, so he asked if his leg was broken in halves or in quarters. Those questions are equally ridiculous.

Which raises the question, how could one be figuratively schizophrenic? What does that even mean? I guess some writers seem to think they are figuratively schizophrenic. Some say their characters talk to them, and that they are inspired by the voices in their head.

Or I could take the less appealing interpretation, that he is suggesting I am faking my mental illness. Faking schizophrenia would be just plain stupid. What exactly would I gain? Attention? I can get attention just by being a decent writer, or by being a troll, or by spouting controversial opinions. Admitting to schizophrenia means reducing your dating pool to next to nothing. It means that people will see you as a potential threat, or as incompetent, as helpless, as inferior. It made my friend say I was probably possessed by demons. It made many people ghost me. And I think he is underestimating how much constant effort and energy it would take to fake being schizophrenic.

Do people think it’s fun to claim you are part of a horribly misunderstood group of social outcasts? There were so many people who liked and respected me more before I admitted I am schizophrenic. My family’s dreams and expectations of me were crushed by me finally being myself, the queer schizophrenic.

It was easier being Little Miss Perfect, in many ways. The mentally stable, highly successful, definitely straight, Catholic girl. It meant I didn’t have to worry about being rejected or feared. It meant I could be a quiet housewife someday. It meant the last impression I made on the world would be of a devout, intelligent, respectable woman, the sort that Christians hold up as the epitome of the faithful female disciple.

Yes, I am a literal schizophrenic. I have literal visual and auditory hallucinations. I have literal flashbacks and literal trauma. I have literal paranoia and literal delusions.


Post 63 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022)

This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.

For the whole series, follow this link.

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