Now you’re liftin’ me up, ‘stead of holdin’ me down
Stealin’ my heart, ‘stead of stealin’ my crown
Untangled all the strings ’round my wings that were tied
–Butterflies by Kacey Musgraves
Last year was a chaotic mix of diamonds and stone, as in the John Denver song. I have no idea what order to put this all in, but I wanted to look back on 2022 and realize how far I have come.
My 2022 New Year’s resolution was to die before the age of 24. I am very happy to say I failed to do so. Blame Marie, my knight in shining armor and my favorite rage demon—I mean person.
I guess my sister Leona wasn’t sure what to do with me and my suicidality, so her advice was basically “get thee a girlfriend.” I was harried into downloading the Her app, where I proceeded to talk listlessly with dozens of women before pulling the schizophrenia card as a scare tactic.
On April 6, 2022, I met Marie and we texted consistently before scheduling a video chat, where I once again brought up my schizophrenia, which failed to scare her away, to my utter shock.
We exchanged Discords. We started texting and video calling daily. I confessed that I had developed a crush, which was really getting in the way of my plans for death. We became girlfriends.
We noticed over time that Marie was occasionally able to scare away my voices by talking to me. It was only effective when my voices were not super intense, but it was wonderful.
I came out to my entire family and all my friends as ace and biromantic, via blog article. The results were…less than stellar. Some people were like, ok, nice to know. Others spouted that “we love you but don’t support you” crap. My dad said it was self-promotion. Several people were offended by my method of coming out. It was a bit of a mess.
I told my parents I had a girlfriend. My mom was once again offended. Partially because I had apparently not shown interest in dating. I’m not sure why that was relevant? And because I told her I had met Marie on Instagram, not a dating app when I was not out. Apparently that makes me a liar. Even though I told her as soon as I felt brave enough to come out. My dad said Marie could come over until I said she lived a thousand miles away in Florida and then he was skeptical about my ability to maintain the relationship.
I went on vacation in New Hampshire, where my mental health tanked so low that I asked my brother Hawk to confiscate my meds so I wouldn’t overdose, and then Marie kept me company all night.
The Otherworld went from not being a force in my life very often to “kidnapping” me like I was used to in the past, leading to new traumas.
I was willing to admit that having all the symptoms of PTSD and depression might mean I have PTSD and depression. Progress? But my doctor said I just have schizophrenia…
I was given full-time as a Customer Service Rep on the way back from New Hampshire.
I started Socially Unacceptable, which displeased my family even more.
In late July, Marie and I planned for me to come to Florida to visit for an eight day vacation.
Suicidal Friday happened. Not my greatest moment.
After Marie argued my self-hatred into submission, I had a five day mental battle with myself, after which I let go of the guilt of my failures in the Otherworld, my failure to be perfect in general, and discovered self-esteem.
I realized I am agender, which makes sense since I have never been particularly attached to the idea of being a woman or man, and am indifferent to which pronouns are used for me, at least the common she/they/he ones.
I also developed aesthetic attraction, which I had never experienced before. I realized that Marie was actually pretty to me and my brain got to melt in new and exciting ways.
Right before I was supposed to go to Florida, I tested positive for Covid-19 and we had to reschedule.
Then Marie’s dad contracted Covid-19 and I was like, nope. I’m coming anyway. He is quarantining and I am taking that risk. I flew on a plane for the first time since I was 2 years old, surprising most of my family, who had not believed in my ability to do so.
I came to Florida and utter chaos ensued. We had our first kiss. We had our first date. A fucking hurricane directly hit where she lives, and we were not prepared to evacuate with all the animals.
After trying an elaborate plan to get to Pennsylvania with Marie and the birds, and my plane trip getting canceled repeatedly, I finally admitted that I really, really didn’t want a long-distance relationship anymore.
So like everything else, once I had come to a realization and made a decision, I acted quickly. She asked her dad if I could live here, and to my complete disbelief, he agreed and said I would even be a blessing. A blessing! I told my parents and they were…um…well they decided I had been kidnapped and it took a lot of time and effort to convince them otherwise.
I quit my job as a Customer Service Rep.
I learned most of the chickens’ names and somehow won over all the dogs and cats despite being awkward around animals. They have discovered my favorite place to sit in the kitchen and all converge on it when they hear me in the kitchen.
We found a new pigeon after the hurricane and named her Blake. She promptly married Lucy, who we learned is a guy.
Since moving here, my mental health has improved drastically. My voices became a rare occurrence. We found out my voices would scream and run away if Marie touched me. My visual hallucinations were cut down slightly, sometimes being benign, and we learned that Marie could turn them into smoke by touching them.
My flashbacks went from a daily occurrence that often made me physically ill to being an occasional burden that Marie was also able to lessen the intensity of. I had far fewer nightmares. My anxiety dropped. My daily 3-hour-long morning depression ceased to exist.
After two years of trying various ineffective cocktails of anti-psychotics, I was able to safely wean myself off all my anti-psychotics and my anxiety meds.
I learned what it was like to relax. And feel safe. Marie is the one person I feel I can be fully myself around without rejection, and living with her has allowed me to drop my Little Miss Perfect mask.
I slowly got over my reticence to convey things I wanted and to ask for help when I needed it.
I also learned that the reason I felt sick after every single meal in Pennsylvania was because I am allergic to cow’s milk. Yep. The reason I spent almost 23 years constantly ill was due to an allergen that was in nearly everything I consumed… I found out because Marie has the same allergy and drinks mostly goat milk.
Marie and I got officially engaged after an abnormal amount of proposals. I was absolutely thrilled. I lost another friend over that, and my mom made a comment that strongly suggested my engagement was as tragic as my grandpa having cancer. She backtracked…but still.
I dragged my feet back to Pennsylvania and brought Marie with me. It was a shitshow, other than getting to see Leona and my youngest sisters again. I was so glad to get back to my new home.
Oh yeah…and my acne issues? Apparently they are largely caused by stress. They calmed way down in Florida, freaked the fuck out in Pennsylvania, and then healed again.
Speaking of healing, I had never realized that bruises and cuts and mosquito bites were not supposed to take months to heal. They started healing in about a week in Florida and I was very confused but pleased.
Also, my trauma with showering and swimming has faded, and I am now actually able to enjoy getting wet without panicking or having flashbacks.
I also love physical touch now. I am always touching Marie and am absurdly happy when she touches me. In Pennsylvania, I had near constant no-touch days, which most people didn’t respect. I think I had a no-touch five minutes here near the beginning of my visit. I now suspect physical touch is my primary love language, even above words of affirmation, but it had been so crushed down I had not realized it. So crushed down, in fact, that a quiz I took on love languages said my desire for physical touch was 0% when I lived in Pennsylvania.
My laugh changed tone, becoming much more sincere. My smile in pictures became much happier and more genuine. Many people said I looked and sounded happier than they had ever seen before.
Also…I am a lot less ace and biromantic than I thought. I experienced sexual attraction and bona fide hormones, and immediately thought the world would end. Marie had a similar crisis slightly before mine. Meltdowns ensued on both sides, which eventually turned into us both realizing we are extremely picky demi whores. Which is still technically on the ace spectrum…but apparently I can remove sex-repulsed from my list of descriptors. Kind of. The sex repulsion still applies to everyone who is not Marie.
Also I think I am just into girls, not guys. I am pretty sure I was just interested in Afina’s brother because Afina was unavailable. And the other boys I was interested in did not actually involve me feeling romantic attraction to them.
I started a new website (this one), started publishing Chronicles of the Ageless, and laid out the framework with Marie for a YouTube channel and podcast.
I also lost at least 20 pounds in 2022 and am a much healthier weight. I say “at least” because the scale ran out of batteries about a month ago and neither I nor Marie have gone to the trouble of replacing them yet.
I didn’t realize how much this year has changed me. How much Marie has changed me. Not into a different person. I’m just more me than I have ever been. And I’m starting to like me as I am too.
Post 67 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022–Present)
This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.
For the whole series, follow this link.
The Queer Schizophrenic 