Socially Unacceptable Post 69: Protector

Love and peace of mind do protect us. They allow us to overcome the problems that life hands us. They teach us to survive… to live now… to have the courage to confront each day.

–Bernie Siegel

One of the hardest things about being a teenager with schizophrenia was that there was no one who could protect me. I felt that I had to hide my psychotic symptoms, so no one even knew anything was wrong. They thought I was just shy and spacey.

I felt utterly helpless in the face of the Otherworld, my hallucinations, and my flashbacks. This was acerbated by my experiences with swim team, where I was bullied and the adults did not believe me, even threatening to have me kicked out of the team when the bullies pinned the blame on me.

When I met Marie, things began to change. I had trouble allowing her to help me, but even so, just her presence began to make a difference. When she talked to me, often my voices would begin to fade and become less numerous. Or they would lurk silently. This was not as effective when I had my worst days, but on most days it helped. Flashbacks and visual hallucinations were still a problem.

When I came to Florida, the difference was more dramatic. We learned that physical touch from Marie made my voices react intensely. They would literally scream in pain and then go dead silent. They would usually stay away for a significant time, too.

I had a terrible night of flashbacks, and instead of being up the whole night terrified, Marie managed to calm me down and bring me back to the present enough that I was able to sleep that night.

And recently, even my visual hallucinations have cowered before Marie’s inexplicable power. I hallucinated a type of Grimm, which are monsters from the anime RWBY. They are near-skeletal beings of darkness, attracted by negative emotion. While we were walking outside, when Marie walked through the Grimm, they turned to smoke. I could feel their claws on my skin, but she walked through them like it was nothing. I was kind of…impressed, for some reason.

The Grimm were outside for awhile, staring in through the windows with their glowing eyes. They scratched at the glass until they broke through, and then they began to follow me. Again, any time Marie walked through one it turned to smoke.

The hallucinations continued to bother me. Once, I put myself between Marie and the Grimm, which was silly since I knew they weren’t real and she couldn’t feel them. I just didn’t want them to touch her. Somewhat possessive and protective, perhaps, but also embarrassing.

Marie must have gotten fed up with the hallucinations too, because when she found out she could turn them to smoke, she took full advantage of it. They scratched at the windows, so Marie scratched back. They cringed and backed away, screaming. She reached for the ones in the hallway deliberately and asked for updates on what they were doing.

I stared at her for about a minute, while she looked puzzled, and then I hugged her. She asked what that was about, and I was quiet for a long time. Then I shrugged. “I just love my fiancée.”

“I love my fiancé too,” she said. My brain melted for the billionth time.

She said she must look deranged. Her laughter at the Grimm’s fear did perhaps sound a little deranged. But I don’t know, clawing Grimm to death with ease is pretty damn hot. My fiancée is hot. And dangerous. And smart. How the heck did I get this lucky?

It was nice, being protected. In the Otherworld, I am always trying to protect everyone else, and usually failing. But I am rarely if ever protected from the dangers of the Otherworld. I always felt like I had to do everything alone, that no one could ever actually help me. But now there is Marie, scaring away my demons and laughing in their faces. Unafraid of them. Unafraid of me. Doing what my family, friends, and ex-boyfriend had never attempted.

Damn, my fiancée is hot.

Post 69 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022–Present)

This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.

For the whole series, follow this link.

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