“Yeah! And we can paint our nails and try out clothes and talk about cute boys…”
– Weiss Schnee
Up until recently, I was convinced I was biromantic. That I was interested in both guys and girls, and possibly non-binary individuals as well. (I have only knowingly met two non-binary people in my life, both of whom are aroaces who are not interested in dating and romance.)
The reason I had held to this belief for so long was because I had dated a man, considered dating two other men, and thought I had a crush on a different man.
Rudolph, the only man I have ever dated, I was never romantically attracted to. I had dated him purely because he was in love with me despite my schizophrenia. We were not a good match and broke up after six months of dating.
David and I messaged daily for months, becoming close friends very quickly. We Discord called frequently, and he even decided that he would fly from New Hampshire to Pennsylvania to visit me. That ended up not working out, unfortunately. He admitted he liked me, and I liked him too. Not romantically, but I agreed to the idea of us dating because I wanted companionship and genuinely thought I could get along with him. In fact, he once helped me get through a schizophrenic episode by continually keeping my mind engaged with questions, which my brother Hawk informed me, was hot.
Then he brought up sex, and after being hesitant for awhile, I finally said I would never be comfortable with that and I would not date him if that would be considered a necessity in our relationship. He said that he would want to have sex with me at least once, and hinted that he might seek sexual gratification in other women as well. I was not sure how I felt about him being in a relationship with me while being sexually intimate with other women, but I knew that I didn’t want to have sex with him even once. It became a dealbreaker. He said he thought it was silly not to date someone for such a small reason, but I pointed out he was also not willing to budge on his sexual preferences. We remained friends, but became less close after that.
There was another man that I considered dating. We were both queer, so we had some shared experiences. Furthermore, we had a lot of similar interests and the same workplace. I enjoyed talking with him, but he had a girlfriend, and even though he said they were on the cusp of a breakup, they stayed together for a long time, and he was wishy-washy about when and if he would ever be single. Like with David, I did not feel any actual romantic attraction toward him, but I wanted the companionship a relationship would bring. He was vague on the question of sex, saying he might not need it. In the end, it was a mix of his uncertain stance on sex and him being hung up on his toxic girlfriend that made me lose interest in dating him.
The final man was one I actually thought I had a crush on. He was Afina’s brother, a conservative Christian with an interest in anime and politics. To be honest, I didn’t know him that well even though our families had been friends for a long time. But I thought maybe, if he was interested, I could date him. When I told Afina I had a crush on her brother, she was surprised but delighted. She gushed about how I might one day be an Irvings. I remember thinking sadly that there was a different way I could have become an Irvings—by marrying her. That should have been a major hint the supposed crush I had on her brother was merely a projection of my love for her. Afina was the unavailable straight best friend, while her brother had some of her qualities yet was a man—a more socially acceptable choice.
Thinking back, I do not believe I felt any real romantic attraction to any of these men. The only times I have felt romantic attraction was toward Afina, and later Marie. Two people, both girls.
After much deliberation, I believe I am most likely sapphic.
Post 70 in Socially Unacceptable: The Daily Life of a Queer Schizophrenic Wreck (2022–Present)
This is an autobiographical series about my life, something I have wanted to do for a long time. I intend to add new content daily.
For the whole series, follow this link.